Sportsmanship doesn’t sell tickets. It’s the expectation of devastation and general hatred that puts asses in chairs. Check out these grudge matches.
1. Matt Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre
Last November St. Pierre stripped Hughes of his UFC title, evening their vendetta at one win each. “The belt puts a target on him for me and everyone else,” says Hughes. “When I retire, I want to go out on top.” With both fighters in their prime, this could be a best-of-seven series.
2. Andrew Peters vs. Brian McGrattan
“We’ve fought a bunch of times,” says the Sabres’ Peters of the Senators’ McGrattan. “But enforcers aren’t just dumb Neanderthals who drop their gloves and fight. We have a reason and purpose. If our teams need a boost, when the time comes we’re both ready to go.” Makes you want to lace up some skates and grow a mullet, eh?
3. David Stern vs. Mark Cuban
Stern has slapped Cuban with over $1.3 million in fines. Lucky for us Cuban suffers from both diarrhea of the mouth and the checkbook.
4. Levski vs. CSKA
CSKA, a soccer squad initially sponsored by the Bulgarian army, sports a contingent of neo-Nazi skinhead fans known as the CSKA S.S. Front, whose motto, “Drink beer, fuck, and fight,” pretty much sums them up. Fans of the blue-and-white Levski squad antagonize the anti-Semites across the stadium by waving Israeli flags at their crosstown rivals. They do seem to agree on setting their stadiums on fire.
5. Jose Luis Castillo vs. Diego Corrales
In their May 2005 bout, Corrales (left) rose like Freddy Krueger off the canvas twice in the 10th to TKO Castillo. An overweight Castillo returned the favor in their controversial rematch. But the third bout never happened, because Castillo failed to make weight. Start praying Jose makes a stop at fat camp.
6. India vs. Pakistan
The Indo-Paki hatefest got so intense that for 15 years India refused to play in Pakistan. Not to say the Indians don’t have a few world-class hooligans. Before a 1999 match in Calcutta, Hindu fundamentalists threatened to disrupt the match by releasing poisonous snakes into the stadium and setting themselves on fire. No one seems to have figured out it’s just cricket.
7. Takeru Kobayashi vs. Joey Chestnut
Chestnut, the only American eater to truly challenge the “Tsunami,” came within 1.75 wieners of preventing Kobayashi from taking his sixth consecutive Nathan’s Famous title in 2006. At least Joey can still celebrate his two rib eating titles, two chicken wing titles, and the fact that his butthole still manages to keep his guts on the inside.
8. Pete Weber vs. Walter Ray Williams Jr.
Weber sums up their rolling death match: “I have the utmost respect for Walter Ray. But the only thing I can think of is kicking his ass.” As of January, Walt led the all-time PBA Tour money list at $3,801,246, with Weber in second at $3,031,864 earned over his 28-year career. Which tells you, if you want to go pro at a leisure sport, pick golf.
9. Jeff Gordon vs. the Earnhardt Family
Gordon locked fenders with Earnhardt Sr., a family tradition Dale Jr. readily continues. After the Talladega race last October, Dale Jr. responded to Gordon’s complaints about his bump drafting with, “There is so much grip here, my mom could drive these cars. But I guess it makes Jeff Gordon a little nervous.” You gonna take that, Jeff?
10. Ohio State vs. Michigan
Michigan leads 57-40-6, but the interstate conflict predates the sport of football itself. The Toledo War of 1835 between Ohio and the Michigan territory went the Buckeyes’ way, giving them a thin strip of land at their northern border including, as you guessed, Toledo. Does history bore the hell out of you, too?
11. Maria Sharapova vs. Anastasia Myskina
During a 2004 match, Myskina complained about Sharapova receiving coaching from her father on the sideline. “He was yelling and screaming to her, and I thought he just might jump right on the court,” Myskina whined, netting Sharapova a reprimand from the chair. If only they would French-kiss and make up…
12. Travis Pastrana vs. Jeremy “Twitch” Stenberg
The two kings of freestyle compete with respect. When Pastrana hit a double backflip at the 2006 X Games, Stenberg had to watch from the sidelines. His reaction? “I was sitting there in my wheelchair with two broken legs, and I stood up. I give him mad props. He has balls.”
13. Derek Jeter vs. A-Rod
The ice storm hit when A-Rod said of his future teammate, “He’s never had to lead. You never say, ‘Don’t let Derek beat us.’” Still, Alex’s .154 average over the past three postseasons makes him less worrisome than a speed bump in the stadium lot.
14. Longview Lobos vs. Marshall Mavericks
This 96-year East Texas battle, at 50-41-5, is one of the most tightly contested rivalries in the Lone Star State. Catch the real Friday-night lights this fall and see why Texas high school football separates the men from the boys better than most land wars.
15. Bill Belichick vs. Eric Mangini
Now that Bill Parcells and Andy Reid’s jiggly joust to 85 percent body fat is over, the Mangini-Belichick AFC East rivalry is the only NFL coaching clash worth watching.
